Insecurities

Insecurities can be funny things. It probably doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that I'm not talking haha-I'm-laughing-and-full-of-joy funny, but I-can't-believe-this-is-happening funny. The kind of funny that when you think about it a year from that moment, you say to yourself "Really.... ice climbing?" (Thank you for that forever useful quote, Jess.) They change you, or can prevent you from growing. They make you hesitate, when action would be wiser. They put thoughts into your head that, let's face it, are most likely ridiculous and unfounded, ideas that you know rationally will never happen; but there is that little voice in your head that whispers the warnings that disaster will ensue should you stay on your path, or even entertain the notion that what you are striving for is worth it, and will come without folly. And the worst part is all these insecurities can come from the most insignificant things: a remark someone said, a quote that has nothing to do with anything serious, a look given to you by someone unimportant, or a lack of response from someone who is, in fact, important. And that's what I've noticed: insecurities come a lot of the time from the actions of others. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that others' are responsible for the way that I infer things, but they sure don't help. I know, I know, take responsibility for yourself, and all that bullshit. Yet, when you don't get certain responses or reactions that you expect, and this happens on a constant basis, you start to doubt yourself. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something that just turns me off to the other person? (I don't mean in a "you don't want to bang me" turn me off, just in a general "you aren't important so I'm turned off to your actions" kind of way.)

Recently someone asked me "What happened to the girl I knew?" The funny thing is, I'm still the girl that everyone knew; I actually haven't changed. There comes a point where you start to know someone better, and you realize that they might not be everything you cracked them up to be. But that doesn't mean that they have changed: you just become aware more of who they are, and everything that that means.

One thing about knowing me better is I'm ridiculously insecure. Who, me? Lawl. Yeah, I'm fantastic at putting up this front that I'm sarcastic and can take whatever and don't put up with bullshit. And it's true, I don't. But that doesn't mean I'm infalliable. It doesn't mean that I don't feel completely lame because I don't get a response or a laugh, or some other ridiculous reaction that shouldn't matter, but it does. Because as much as I would like to be that person who doesn't take shit personally, I do.

If you couldn't tell, I'm having an insecure day. Here's hoping it won't turn into an insecure night. With my luck, however, it will.

Here's to being insecure about insecurities.